If I broke my arm in a cycling accident and wandered into a coffee shop frequented by cyclists to tell my story I would be fêted and the free coffee would flow. People would be sympathetic and tell their own ‘me-too’ stories. No one would be critical or embarrassed.
However, if I walked into the café and announced that I have a mental illness, that I am suffering from depression and have a traumatic brain injury, the place would empty faster than a Champs-Élysées sprint. There would be no ‘me-too’ stories, very little sincere sympathy and a significant amount of averted attention. Most people are incapable of even discussing the issue, although they may be sympathetic. In a society which stigmatises any perceived weakness, much better to be stressed than depressed.
By Neil Frazer
Photos: Dino Lloyd
I need to tell my story because I have been incapable of telling my story to anyone face to face or even telephonically. I cannot even express my true feelings to those closest to me. I am a blocked drain full of dirty water that needs to be released. Supressing my depression has been significant in exacerbating my dire situation. It is a pressure cooker situation with no release valve and it cannot continue unabated.
Like any form of mental illness, it is a complicated story that has evolved over a long period of time with many climbs and descents and mitigating factors over some rough cobbles.
I had a good childhood and I did not come from dysfunctional relationships. I am happily married with two great children. This has not prevented me from becoming severely depressed and burnt-out after suffering a traumatic brain injury. I still work and cycle and my façade is normal and happy. No one has guessed my situation although some have noticed the withdrawal and certain changes.
I started writing the story on a rainy Wednesday morning drinking coffee and writing because I had been booked off work with the possibility of permanent disability. Disability may sound attractive but I will still need to earn a living and save for my retirement. Being disabled could prevent me getting another well paid accounting role in a corporate environment – so courage is needed to take this step of announcing a mental illness. You are more likely to get a job with a criminal record than with a history of mental illness. Any takers?
After a massive car accident I became Neil version 1.2. That would be Neil with a traumatic brain injury and the reality of things that were “lost in the fire”. But it is also the story of how v1.2 needs to become an upgrade on v1.1. Cycling has played a role in my rehabilitation and will continue to do so into the future. Exercise is my saviour. Cycling was my identity and my lifestyle and it will be again. It’s time to come out of the depression closet and reclaim my identity.
A traumatic brain injury (TBI) can be likened to coming to work in the morning to discover that you have forgotten everyone’s name and all the software has changed. Nothing is the same and although you can quickly pick up the required changes it is frustrating, especially when it happens every single day. It is a strange feeling of alienation and detachment.
I tried to come back from my accident too quickly and with excessive arrogance and lofty ambitions. It was a big mistake. I was broken mentally, physically and emotionally. Healing is a slow process and requires patience in order to make a complete recovery and then a return to normal life. The three steps forwards two steps backwards approach is not useful for any personality. My instincts said take it slow but my arrogance said rush back – school boy error.
Returning to work in a sub-optimal state opens you to failure. Organisations promise sympathy but are profit focussed machines and are not concerned with deviations from the expected high levels of performance. Work is stressful and complicated and needs to be performed in a healthy state both physically and mentally. Working in this diminished state exacerbated my depression. Managers and fellow employees can be sympathetic but corporations are intangible uncaring creatures.
I returned to work depressed (caused by the accident) and on anti-epilepsy medication (seizures). The medication ensured a level of detachment and in particular the anti-epilepsy medications made me feel very dark. Depression is progressive and builds up over a period of time aggravated by other factors. Such as retrenchments (wife), financial stresses and worse, the death of a very close friend. Also the emigration of friends, the usual high maintenance of children, all compounded by off the charts work pressure worsened by difficult managers. Depression is not cured by a good night’s rest, pulling your socks up and going for a nice cycle.
Mental health fails slowly and insidiously and corrupts reality to the extent that being depressed becomes the new normal. You don’t realise that you are depressed. I withdrew from family and friends, trained less and less and did not have the drive to race or push my upper limits in cycling. Foolishly, I took myself off medication and occasionally binge drank, just because it gave me a good buzz and I was less socially inhibited. My killer instinct turned into ‘roll over and die quietly in the corner”. My joie de vivre was replaced with miserable apathy.
At the same time my brain questioned my very being and questioned my body as to the whereabouts of that competent, athletic Neil, also the ambitious and happy corporate warrior. Neil it seemed was missing in action.
I have fought hard to retrieve my missing mojo. I have tried everything – new bikes, some new races, duathlons, Jozi hustles, Critical Mass. I even did a 200km dirt audax but the mojo was not on that ride either. I tried to push the boundaries and regain my former joy in cycling. Most of the time I could not even be bothered to get out of bed. I became a singular, slow and insouciant commuter. I was fighting a losing battle to find lost joy.
I became a grumpy, irrational, unpleasant ogre (we don’t get to judge ourselves others do). My wife repeatedly tried to get me to take my medication and to seek professional help. I did not listen because I could not see how badly I had deteriorated over a period of time. At the same time people withdraw and you become isolated, worsening an already bad situation.
Sometimes people think depression is fake because there are no scars and outwardly you seem happy and self-controlled. Inside the façade, however, a crucible of fear and loathing exists and the whole fermenting mess is set to explode spectacularly. Depression is certainly not glamorous.
I wish I could tell you that cycling prevents and cures depression. It does not. It does sooth the level of depression but the Black Dog is a formidable opponent and grinds you down relentlessly. The extent of depression knows no bounds and attacks rich and poor, successful and the hopeless equally. Depression affects cyclists from the occasional to World Tour riders (really and not just a few). It remains taboo and a stigmata of shame. But 450 million people suffer from depression.
Never take yourself off medication like I did to my detriment. Take your meds and get professional help from as many sources as possible. Exercise and train at every possible opportunity. Force yourself to cycle with other people, friends, groups and clubs. I am 100% sure that within in my circle I am not alone in suffering from a mental illness. Most autobiographies include periods of mental illness regardless of the status of the person. Mental illness is close to all of us.
A turning point for me came a few months ago during the Tour of Ara. A race held on gravel roads through the Cedarberg (Koue Bokkeveld, Mordenaars Karoo and much more) on pre-1999 vintage steel South African made bikes. It was not the beauty of the rides or the uniqueness of the race. It was the other people who rode the race. They altered my perspective on life. They were not accountants, lawyers or computer programmers – I was the lone accountant.
I am used to being surrounded by successful corporate types bored with their jobs and the monotony of corporate life. The riders were artists, photographers, film makers, carpenters, academics, animators and doctors amongst others. They loved their jobs, their fellow man, South Africa and were far less bothered by the accumulation of material wealth than I was accustomed to in the Northern Suburbs of Johannesburg. One rider was a frame builder and his legacy is to have his frames ridden and revered even 30 years after they were made. How wonderful and inspiring. I have a Le Jeune on my wish list.
It was refreshing and empowering and I vowed to steer my path away from miserable depression into the light of a joyful existence.
Now I am back on medication – three types – and significantly improved in my mental state. I have given up all alcohol and trying to be far healthier altogether. I am under the care of a great physician and a strong psychologist. The medication has allowed me to start training hard again and in the company of old friends. It has been a long path but I am determined to be happy and healthy again.
On the bike again and getting better. I was on a dark descent, but now I’m ascending the highest peaks.
Neil Frazer lives in Johannesburg with his wife Gill, their children, Jack and Jemma and a few bicycles. In the summer of 2009, we published, in TREAD magazine, Neil’s story about his car accident and subsequent seemingly impressive, speedy, almost complete recovery.
“I wrote this follow-up mostly because it was a cathartic exercise and I’ve been advised to write and discuss my illness/depression. This may also support others suffering depression, the prevalent, but hidden illness of our time,” says Neil.
If you’d like to contact Neil, we can put you in touch with him (email sean@treadmtb.co.za), or you can just follow him from a distance on Instagram – @steely01.
Are you suffering from some form of chronic depression? Here’s a questionnaire on the South African Depression and Anxiety website that can help you establish this: http://www.sadag.org/images/pdf/sphere_questionnaire.pdf
There is also useful information on this website to enable you to seek appropriate support, the home page link is here: http://www.sadag.org
